The voices... they tell me the answers

Rev Theory, Voices

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I had a very angry nights sleep last night.

I have no real surprise that the housekeepers yesterday threw away my ear plugs. This is Canada afterall. It's full of retards so you come to expect that kind of thing. But it was eating away at me the way that the stupid bitch behind the desk just dismissed it. Didn't even care. Showed no remorse. And yes it'll only cost me $10-15 to replace them. But that's still $10-15 coming out of my own pocket, because of this hostels retardations. So her lack of remorse was like a little critter knawing away at me.

At first I just brushed it off. But I just couldn't get it out of my head, the fact that I was losing money because of this hostel, and that didn't even bother them. Didn't even warrant an apology. It just nibbled away at me that whole night. Just pissed me the fuck off.

But where I really got mad, was in the fact that this was the first night since I've been in this hostel, that I've been in a dorm with someone who snored. Not just one person, but 2. And now without my ear plugs, I had a very poor nights sleep. So I was just laying there through much of the night. Just seething. The smallest "sorry"; and I wouldn't have even cared. But it was just eating away at me. And now unable to sleep because of it, I had the most angry nights sleep I've had in a long, long, time. I was not happy.

And I've never bought into the 'don't get mad, get even' way of thinking. I've always had the state of mind of 'don't get mad, get them back 10 times worse than they got you.' So they've cost me $10 ear plugs, and a nights sleep. Oh and I also realised that they've taken a nearly full loaf of bread from me as well. Why? I'm not sure. There might be an argument that they thought the last people in the room had left it. A full loaf of bread. But why then did they feel the need to leave the rest of the fresh food that I have in this fridge? I have an awful feeling that the housekeepers took it back to their kitchen. So I am not happy with this place right now. And in the spirit of don't get mad, get them back 10 times worse, my mind is churning to think of ways I can piss this hostel off something stupid. Some time in the very near future, my very thick, very black, very permananent marker may well be having a very colourful collision, with the very nicely and very newly decorated bathrooms of Ocean Island Backpackers Inn. Because I am absolutely fuming with this place right now.

And even as I write just now, the guy in the bed above mine is playing some classical music. It's not loud or anything, so I'm not going to tell him to stop. But normally, I'd just put in my ear plugs. Can't do that now though, so I'm having to contend with that as I write as well. And it's not even the music that's making me fume. It's that the stupid bitch behind the desk downstairs sought that what? She was too attractive to have to say sorry? Too good? Am I not worthy of an apology? You can just throw away my things and it doesn't matter. Well I don't get even. I get you back 10 times worse. And I am pissed right now.

However, somehow in all that anger, I rose this morning with a lot more clarity in my head. Somehow I'm the kind of person who's productive in a time of rage. And I have a lot more clarity in what I'm going to do with myself now.

And I simply looked at myself. And I asked myself, "what the fuck are you doing?" Why did I come travelling? Why did I reject the opportunity to start a career? It was because the prospect of the life that awaited me had I sought the typical 9-5 lifestyle, would have been enough for suicide. I could not live like that. That was why I came away. And yet now, in Victoria, I'm upset that I cannot pick up some job that I don't want to do. Figure that? I've been away from home just 5 or 6 months. And I've already lost the focus on what I'm doing.

I don't want to be a person whom relies on drugs to live his day. Why is there a Starbucks on every corner in the West? It's because the people who live there cannot face their days without a caffiene hit. Why is there a bar on every corner? Because the people cannot relax without alcohol. And I don't want to be a person whom needs drugs just to get through my daily life. If my life ever becomes so shit that I need caffiene to get out of bed in the morning, I honestly want you to shoot me.

And yet here I am, scrounging around Victoria for some shit on the bottom of your shoe job, washing dishes of some bullshit like that. And in my rage last night, I somehow found the courage to just take a step back, look at myself, and just ask, "what the fuck are you doing?"

This isn't why I'm doing this. If I wanted a life where I wanted to kill myself everyday, I never would have left England. I came away to find something different. I don't want the life that everyone else leads. The prospect of that sickens me. So what do I want then?

I want to be able to get up in the morning and be happy. To not know what every second of my day will bring. I want to learn new things everyday. To see new sights. And am I going to get any of that crap by getting some bottom-rung job in Victoria? Am I going to get it by getting some bottom-rung job like this in any city? I don't think so. But where can I find this?

And somehow this night of anger just gave me focus to think back to basics. And how am I going to be able to live a life where I'm getting that adventure? I'm in a hostel surrounded by people doing what I should be doing. And yet their influence didn't rub off on me and I'm here begging for work in a coffee shop. Fuck that!

You know how I think that it's the smallest things that ultimately shape your life. Well had these retard Canadian's not thrown away my ear plugs, and the retard Canadian behind the desk hadn't been such a stuck up bitch, and the retard English people in my dorm weren't snoring. Well had none of that happened, well I probably wouldn't have had the thoughts run through my head that I had last night. And you know what else has had a big influence on me? That guy I ran into in the stairwell a few days ago. That impromptu and almost never happening conversation, has gone to shape a lot of what I have in my head right now.

And I'm not going to get that excitement to live everyday, if I'm living an everyday job. That is clear. There was, to some extent, that at Pano. Because I got to go skiing as a part of my job. There was that thrill factor. But living in a city? What the fuck am I going to do here that gives me that excitement? So the way I'm seeing things, is that I need to look at this guy from the stairwell, almost as a role model. He was cleaning shit and working for coupons. Yet he was happy. I have the savings that I could live for a year here without a seconds work. And I am not. So what the fuck am I doing wrong?

So right now, unless my thinking changes dramatically in the 8 nights that I have left here at Ocean Island, I'm thinking that I get out of here, get out onto the road, and I really find out about the character of the people here. Do some proper travelling for once. Sign up to WWOOF. Find out about some of the opportunities there are around here to trade labour for board, and just hit the road. Hitching my way around.

Am I going to save money, working in Victoria at some shit minimum wage job? Perhaps. Perhaps a little. But why do that when I could have a valuable experience, and at least not be losing any money. These farms, they're pretty much slave labour. They're trading hours or hard labour for board and a bit of food. But then slaves got board and a bit of food. So this is really slave labour. But I don't mind that. As long as the people greet you with a smile, I don't mind breaking my balls for a bed. I'd rather break my balls for a bed and be doing something that I want to be doing, than breaking my balls for $8 p/h and being in a shit situation that I don't want to be in.

And like I said last time, it is a waste of my visa. But fuck that. I'm not going to put myself in a shit situation just to satisfy a bureaucratic process. Fuck that. This will be an adventure, doing things this way. This will truly tell me about the character of people. This will be a way I wake up everyday, not knowing how the next 24 hours will go. And that is much, much, more what I want to be doing. Will I have the time to learn Spanish travelling this way? I don't know. Will I be able to get to a gym regularly? Almost cetainly not. But fuck that. I'll deal with that. I'm not going to stay here for a gym. Farm labour might be a better exercise anyway.

And who knows where this'll lead. The one guy I spoke to who accepts WWOOFers who live on the Gulf Islands, said that it's often a way into the community. Work well in your placement, and it can often lead onto other work. It can be a way onto these islands.

So that is really what I'm thinking. What the fuck have I been doing for the past 2 weeks? Scrounging for work like this. Why? What the fuck is wrong with me? This isn't why I came away. So unless my thinking changes dramatically, then I'll probably be using this next 8 days I have paid for, as a way to prepare to just get the fuck out there on the road. Might need to make some investments. A tent might be good idea. But why the Hell did I travel 4,000 miles from London, or whatever it is, just to live the exact same life I'd be living at home? Sounds a bit of a fucking stupid idea to me. So here's to it.

The ironic thing about this, is that I just finally received an email from this temping agency. About 48 hours late. What do I do with this? Do I still sign up just in case I have a sudden change or heart? Or do I just say fuck it. Because this is something of a rash decision made at a time of high-emotion. Is common-sense going to prevail soon?

I'm sure that you can guess I decided against Tofino. Though I'm sure if I do end up on a voyage of slave-working on farms, and couch-surfing, then I'm sure I'll end up there. My route will almost certainly call me up through Vancouver Island and the Gulf Islands to start off with.

But now I have a quesion. I think I've reached this decision because it is actually what I want to be, and should be doing. But I'll find out for sure if the phone rings tomorrow with a job offer. What happens then? If I have both lifestyles as a possibility, then what do I go for? And I cannot honestly answer that. Have I only reached this decision out of frustration of the job hunt? Even I can't answer that with any level of sincerity. If a job comes along tomorrow, then what happens?

And do I continue to look for a job for the next 8 days? Or now with a plan, do I kick back and relax in Victoria for a week whilst preparing to leave? I don't honestly know. Having already been to the pub to see Chelsea lose in the final seconds to Barcelona this morning, and then written not one, but two blog entries today, it's already almost 17:30. So I won't be looking for a job today. But what about tomorrow? I'm not sure. Because even though if I'm still in this country once my visa expires, I technically cannot legally be here, who's going to know? I could do this farm-hopping thing without a visa. This is my final opportunity to get a job in a city. And that would mean a chance to re-establish my health. A chance to gain converstional Spanish. Things that would undoubtedly prove to serve me in the future. So tell me where the fuck I go from here? I just don't know.

That being said, at least I now have the clarification of knowing where, if no job, I will be going from here. I say where, I don't technically actually know where. But at least now I know what I'll be doing. The uncertainty now lays in what's before that. Am I still looking for a job in Victoria?

Strange that these retards throwing away my ear plugs can change my whole thought process so much. And these thoughts, may well change my time in Canada. And that, will change my whole life. All because these retards threw away my ear plugs. It's always the smallest things that shape our lives. We just never know the consequence that all these small decisions will make. So as much as you like to think you're in control of your life, really, the program that is the world, is far more complex than your conscious brain could possibly fathom. Who knows if your unconscious could look a little deeper? Life's strange when you think about it.

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