On this day, 1 year ago

Kansas, Dust in the wind

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Excluding the test entries, it is now one year ago (nearly), since I started writing these blogs. 109 entries have preceded this one in that time, which works out at nearly one entry every 3 days. I won't go on to calculate the amount of time that's been put into this writing. But it's a significant chunk.

And I'm not sure I've ever provided extraordinary clarity about why I dedicate time to writing this blog. It's good to clear my head. Travelling alone, I often don't have anyone to talk things through with. So just sitting down, and writing, it helps clarify the jumbled mess that can accumulate in my head at times. It's good to keep in touch with people at home. Let's people know what I'm doing. And it just gives me a platform to express myself.

These are all good reasons to write, and may in themself, justify keeping a blog such as this. But none of them, are the fundamental reason behind why I dedicate the time that I do.

At times I've criticised myself, for simply writing what I'm doing, when I'm doing it, how I'm doing it etc. Because I've always said, that the important thing to capture here, is the what I'm thinking, as I'm doing it.

And the primary reason why I write these blogs, the reason that they would not exist without, is that I noticed something back before I started writing, about people. About changes that happen to people as they age. At a young age, say 20, they have all this ambition. What they're going to do in their life, they have such energy, such passion. Hell at 20, I never accepted having any kind of role-model, because there wasn't a person who came before me, who had achieved what I had the ambition to do. I always looked at Jesus Christ as small-fry. He might still be revered 2,000 years after his death. Which probably occured due to alcholism seeing as he could turn water into wine. But even Jesus hadn't achieved what I had the ambition to achieve.

But then I looked down the line. I noticed changes in myself, even over short periods of time like a few months, where this ambition, just started to fade. My dreams started to get smaller and smaller. And I looked at other people. And had they shared the same ambition I did at age 20? I don't know. But compare the typical 20-year old to the typical 40-year old. And what is the difference? The 40-year old has settled into his life. He's happy to have his wife. His house. His car. His 2.4 children. And he's happy to keep it like this, no more, no less, for the rest of his life. He's accepted that he'll get no more, and has no real ambition. Effectively, he's just sitting around, waiting to die.

And how did this happen to him? How did he go from the 20-year old ready to take over the world, to the 40-year old, who just doesn't care anymore? And the observation I made about people, is that with age, people begin to forget their very fundamentals. Your dreams when you're young, shape who you become as you age. But for some reason, people just lose that drive. Their dreams become smaller and smaller. Their ambition, disintegrates.

And the reason that I keep these blogs, is so that I can always look back and know, and remember, the dream and ambition that I once had. Because as dreams get smaller and smaller, so do thoughts. You stop thinking about the difference you can make to the world, and start thinking only about what effects you. And I noticed this change in myself. Between the age of 20 and 22, I went from wanting to shit all over Jesus. You know, if I could've carried that ambition, I would have been bigger than God. To at age 22, when I started keeping this blog, I was much more accepting in the fact that dreams won't always become realities. And that scared me. It scared me that in those 2 years, my whole personality, could drop to such a mundane level. And looking at other people, if I followed the same blueprint that they did, I expected it to keep on doing so.

So I write this blog as a reference to the person that I once was. I never want to forget the ambition that I once had. It's almost like a refresher to me, to never let go of what was important to me when I was young. When I'm 40 and thinking, "why don't I settle down?" I'll look back at this blog, and remember the ambition that I once had. The things that I wanted to achieve. In essence, this is what will keep me young. It will remind me of the morals and beliefs that I once held. And my only regret about writing this blog, is that I didn't start writing it sooner. Had I captured the person I was at 18, it would have looked very different to the person I was at 22, when I did start writing. I just didn't realise the true impacts of aging back then. Had I done so, then this blog would probably now be 5 years old.

But it's all very well keeping this record. But I'm yet to go back and read any of the 109 entries that preceded this one. And I can tell without even looking back, that the person I am now, is different to the person I was, even 12 months ago. And I think, at this time in my life, where my travelling will probably shape the person I will be until my death, it's important to recall the things that mattered to me. Even 12 months ago.

So up until now, this blog has really had little purpose. It took a year of preparation for it to be worthwile for me to look back to. But now a year has passed, I think it's time I start to remember, what I've already forgotten. To reignite the ambition that I've lost. So periodically, I'm going to be going back over previous blogs that I wrote, about 12 months prior to that time, and just remember what it is that I've forgotten. And I'll be adding these notes to the current blogs. Because if I could combine my ambition at age 18, with my maturity of age 23... man that would be really something. Maturity seems to rob people of their ambition. The primary purpose of these blogs, is to not allow that to happen to me.

I want the things that are important to me now, to be important to me 20 years from now. I don't want to just settle into a mundane existence. I want to remember the things I hold dear. And that, is the God's honest truth as to why I do this writing. As to why I dedicate the hours that I do. Use all the damn anti-wrinkle cream you want. This is what is going to keep me young. This is what will allow me to look back at my life, and know that I never let go of what was important to me.

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