Jro and the theory of everything

You know the problem with scientists? They try to answer every question with science.

I just spent 2 hours watching Stephen Hawking and the theory of everything on Discovery Channel. I was drawn into it, basically because of Hawking's desire to know the answers to the fundamental questions of our very existence. Why are we here? Where did we come from?

And I've said it before. To answer the question of why we're here, can really be the only justification, to live. Because without that clarification of why we exist, then there is no certainty over any of the actions we make. There is no justification for any single action that we make in our lives. Live as a devoted Christian, live as a devoted serial killer, it doesn't matter. Because without the answer to the fundamental question of why, there is not justification as to who is in the right, and who is not. Despite the judgement that society will make.

But then you have to pose another conundrum. The very essence of life, what makes it worth living, is the uncertainty. To not know what each day will bring, is what gets you out of bed in the morning. And when that uncertainty is gone; when you know how every moment of your life will transpire from this point forth, is to essentially kill your desire to live. So to answer the question of why. The question of why we are here, would take away all that uncertainty. Yet is the solitary purpose for our existence. So we are essentially trapped in a sort of continuum. We exist to know why. But to ever find out would blemish our very existence.

So maybe we aren't ever supposed to find out. Maybe that not knowing, is how we ensure our continued will to live. We spend our lives looking for the answers to the questions that we will never find. But then if we're never going to find out, then maybe never finding out is why we are here. In which case, we have found out. It's just we don't know we've found out. And we just enter this continuum of questions and theories. Never getting any closer to finding out if the Christian or the serial killer is in the right.

And I always talk about living in the macro. And when I use that term I mean living in the macro compared to the norm of thinking of the typical human. I term the usual person, who considers themself and their family when making decisions, as living in the micro. And I term thinking about the planet as a whole, as living in the macro.

But compare my macro to physicists such as Hawking, and my macro all of a sudden becomes very, very micro. As I'm considering only our solitary planet compared to considering our entire universe. And entertaining the theories of many universes living side by side. Getting closer than anyone previously, to answering the questions of how and why we are here. But could knowing that, ever help us in our everyday lives? I don't know. Because I don't think we will ever know for sure. Investigating using science, only provides scientific answers. And I refuse to live by a theory that we are here purely as particles. Emotion and feeling won't be considered within physics. And I would refuse to accept them as explainable through science. Because in essence, that would make us essentially robots. And robots, you discard of when they have served their purpose. And maybe through my own naivity, I refuse to accept that that is the reasoning for my existence. Though these are the answers you will get when you try to answer questions using only science. Which is the problem with Hawking and co.

But one question this documentary inadvertantly posed to me, is what level of macro, should we be living in? You can't live in 2. You cannot be living in the theory of multiple universes, and still care for the droplet in the ocean that would be planet earth. It isn't possible to spend your life accepting theories that will span billions of light-years, but still live in the macro of planet earth. Similarly, I live in a global macro where I view things to the earth as a whole, so it's very hard for me to consider the emotions and pains of individual beings, because they are simply one of billions of parts to the global puzzle.

And this is something that's hard to explain, because the macro that you live in is really just in your head. It addresses how you view individuals. How you view species. How you view planets, solar systems, galaxies. Even universes. And to some degree, it could be a measure of your intelligence. Your ability to view in a wider macro could demonstrate your brain's ability to adapt to see the bigger picture. That would class me as a mid-intelligence person I'd guess. Not as small minded to consider only the people and creatures that I can see. But not broad-minded enough to consider beyond our atmosphere. You can tell by the way that no issue is bigger to me than climate change, that my world ends at the edge of our atmosphere.

I'm fascinated by theories relating to the wider universe. But it has never interested me enough to occupy my brain as the prioritised macro to live in. I look for the answers to why we are here, within our very atmosphere.

And maybe to an extent, to find any answers about how and about why we're here, you need people living in every macro. As I said, Hawking's theories are scientific. Void of any emotion or feeling. And as I've said, that is something that I'm unwilling to accept. So maybe those people living in what I would term the micro, are the ones who provide that emotional touch. We can't exist purely as science. As robots. If that were the case, we wouldn't have been blessed or cursed, depending on how you look at it, with the ability to feel emotion. So maybe you need people in every macro. Because as fascinating as physics is, I don't agree with Hawking & co. that it can provide us with the answers to why we are here. Perhaps it can answer the 'where did we come from?' part. But why? You need more than science to answer that question.

But as I've said before, it's the belief that the answer to the question of why I exist, is out there, that gives me the drive to live. If I was willing to accept that I will never know why I am here, then I have no reason to live. I will never be able to justify a single one of my actions. Everything I've ever done, and everything I ever do will be null and void. But in the same token, if I ever find out, will I have a reason to carry on living? Once I know. Once I've answered the ultimate question, is their still purpose to my existence.

And this documentary inadvertantly posed another question to me. At age 21, Hawking was diagnosed with motor neuron disease, and told he had 2 years to live. Yet he has outlived that prediction so far by 43 years. And I have to ask why?

Maybe it is this need to know why he's here. Maybe it's natures plan for us to find out. And he is one of only a selection of minds capable of doing so. Maybe it's his life goal. And living in the widest macro, his life will not end until he's achieved this goal. Where as living in the micro, you can achieve your destiny of achieving certain emotional status among peers in a very short time. And as you've achieved this, your body is just waiting for an opportunity to shut down. Any disease, any accident. Once you've achieved your destiny within your macro world, you are disposeable.

I've said before, that it's a strange feeling, but I just know that I haven't done what I'm here to do. You could shoot a gun point-blank at my head, and somehow I'd still exist. I could get hit by a truck and not die. I don't know how to explain it, but I just know I haven't done what I'm here to do yet. And my bodies not going to shut down until that time. So it's almost like I'm untouchable. There is something in my macro world that I'm here to achieve, or discover, that I haven't done yet. And that makes me untouchable. And perhaps what's keeping Hawking going, is that it is his destiny to discover, from a physical stand point, why we are here. And who knows, maybe he was the kind of person who reacts to adversity. So he was given his disease just to piss him off. Because the more challenges thrown in front of him; the more people told him he couldn't do it. That he was going to die, the more he wanted it. And maybe that drive is what has kept him living for 43 years longer than he should have done.

That might sound strange what I'm saying there. But there is something in me. Something inside of me, that just knows I'm not done. I have that inquisitive kind of brain, that just wants to know. I don't even know what I want to know. But I have a thirst for knowledge, and a thirst for adventure, and a thirst for theory, to know something. To discover something. I just feel I have a purpose. And that purpose hasn't been served yet. Which will make me sound rather mental. But I can't really explain it any other way. I just know I'm here for something other than to make up the numbers. In nature's plan, in God's plan, in whatever fucking plan it is we're living within, something just tells me I'm not done yet. And as it is the only drive for existence, I have to at least get closer to why we're here. Because that want, to know, is the only thing that makes existing worth it. If you'll never know why, and you've given up finding out, then what purpose have you? You are merely here. You are merely being. Existing. If you don't know your purpose and don't have the desire to know your purpose, then you have no purpose. And maybe it's all in my head, but I refuse to accept that I am just existing. Born for no reason. Living for no reason. For me to accept that, would end any reason for my living. So maybe I don't know that I have something to achieve. Maybe my brain is just cleverer than me. And it's making me believe that I have purpose so I don't lose the will to live. When really we're all merely here. Maybe there is no purpose for our existence. But I have intrigue in how Hawking can outlive doctor's predictions by some 43 years. Surely that cannot be coinscidence. One of the world's mose inquisitive minds, refusing to die. Is it just because he knows he has purpose. What he is here to do, to find out. Maybe it just hasn't been done.

Does your brain just give up when you have nothing to live for? Because people living in the micro would have died 43 years ago. Their functions and goals are so basic. So simplistic, that they never have the capacity to becoming any closer to answering why. So they just give up. They have no real purpose, so at the first opportunity, just die off.

So who knows. Hawking is getting weaker and weaker. And soon will be fully paralysed. Is this a sign he is getting closer to achieving his purpose? Of which was maybe in advancing physics to a level, and getting that much closer to knowing why we were here. So perhaps, in the next big advance in discoveries of phyisics, Hawking will have taken discovery as far as he was here to do. Perhaps at the successful activation of the Large Hadron Collider, that will be where Hawking was supposed to advance physical theory to. Maybe at that moment, his body will finally give up.

I don't know. I'm just firing out possibilities here. But if Hawking happens to die within 24 hours of the LHC, I'll be coming back to this page.

It is just one of those though. If we don't know why we're here, and we've given up on the possibility of find out. Then what have we to live for? We have no justification for anything that we do. And if it doesn't matter what we do, then does it matter if we live or die? I don't think so.

Back into my macro though.

Just to clarify that a little actually. Because I've just fired off macro and micro a lot right there. And they're terms that I've pretty much just adapted to have meaning that pretty much I only understand. Not really the accepted English for those terms. So what I really mean, is the realm in which your train of thought lays. We all live in the micro. We all have to think about ourselves. About eating. About earning money. About shelter. About those around us. But where I make differences, is in a person's ability to fathom wider existence. Because 99% of people in the world, cannot seem to remove themselves from this micro thought train. They might be some of the front-runners in the fight against macro problems such as climate change for example. They could invent the technologies that reduce carbon levels. But that doesn't make them any more of macro thinkers.

What does, is the ability to appreciate species and things, in a mass. As a whole. How many people out there, are willing to let a billion or so people perish, in an attempt to stabilise the planet? I am. I don't harbour any respectful feelings to those people finding cures for AIDS for example. By saving millions of people, carbon levels will increase, and so will natural disasters. And if natural disasters increase, so will the deaths they cause. Probably to a greater extent than the deaths caused by terrorist attacks. So I'm willing to go as far as to say that by curing AIDS, medical researchers are as bad as terrorists. They would counter that by saying that letting these people die, is no better either. And they'd be right. But people are going to die either way. And I'd rather live on a stable planet, stable environmentally, and let some people die. Than fuck up the planet, and people will die anyway. But 99% of people won't be able to think that way. They will just think in the very micro terms of saving as many lives as possible in the short term. Without looking at the macro view of the long term consequences. And anyone who cannot appreciate this big picture, I term as someone who lives in the micro.

Anyone who can appreciate that these are the realities, however harsh they may seem, then I term them as living in the macro.

However what you term as micro and macro, will be individual to each persons ability to widen their perspective. For example, Stephen Hawking's macro expands across universes. Therefore, what to me I term a macro, would to him be a micro. Global warming would be an issue on planet earth. A speck of the universes that go on for billions of light years. So my macro, is as far wide a perspective that I can fathom. 99% of people cannot look beyond their immediate surroundings. Therefore, their macro is the wider issues in their lives.

And as I've said, everyone has to live within what I term a micro. You'll spend most of your lives attending to requirements in your micro. So just because I like to expand to think about the wider issues in the world, doesn't mean I have no regard for the smaller things only affecting me. Hell, this blog will soon turn back to skiing. But what I term your macro, is your ability to fathom, and create theory, in your widest perspective.

This is just me altering the fundamentals of the English language. Afterall, your thoughts and theories are limited by the extent of the language you speak. So if your language isn't broad enough to express what your brain thinks, then you have to make developments to that language. Or forever be trapped by the limit of your language.

Somewhat related to what I've been saying regarding the fundamentals of living, was a story I saw on BBC World News yesterday.

This video is embedded from the BBC website, so if it doesn't work, it's their fault.

What worries me about this piece, is that bit with the paedophile in the playground at the end. He says that one day, every child will have their genome read at birth. And what's going to happen then do you think? A child who's prone to cancer for example, will probably be receiving treatments before they're even diagnosed the disease. Great.

Here is where my problem lays though. What is life? What is it that makes it worth living? Is it the work? Is it the relationships? Is it when the sub of the day is sweet onion chicken teriyaki at Subway's on Sundays? No. It's the not knowing. It's the fact that you don't know what's coming. It's the unknown. One of the reasons that I'm travelling, is that I know that if I settle down into a career. Get a full-time, 9-5 job, I will pretty much know how my life will go, from this point forth. And I don't want that. If I know what's coming everyday, I have no reason to keep on living it. I may as well just stand there and let it hit me. I'll get onto my reasoning for choosing to leave Invermere rather than stay on for the Summer later. But this is one of them. When you know what is coming in life, it stops being worth living. Good or bad, you need surprise. And as crazy as this sounds, that includes disease.

If you take all of the negative surprise out of what is coming in life, all you will expect is shots of ectasy. And as experiments have proved in the past, you need both ups and downs to sustain a sane mental state. Too many highs or too many lows can lead to levels of depression. So taking away the negative surprise, could in turn just go to provide differing medical problems. More psychological though.

But more than that, if you're taking a childs genome at birth, you're taking away that element of fear from their life. And it's important to have every emotion. To experience every emotion. And although they will still sustain fear from other elements, this slight change in them could have unknown consequences. We've evolved over millions of years to adapt to and deal with the things we'll face in our lives. And there's no telling of the consequence of just removing that. And at a point in an infants life where they cannot know for themselves what is happening. Fear of disease is something that we've all had, and have evolved having. So there's no telling what removing this could do to a person.

Worse than that for me though, it's just removing an element of life from a person. It's their birth-right to have fear of disease. That fear will shape them into the person they become. I can personally testify, that for a long time during my early teens, I was paranoid about the way I was going to die. I had this real fear of death itself, because of all the ways that it could happen to me. Including disease. And it took me a while, probably years, to overcome this and accept it. But overcoming a fear of death led me to a mental state of nothing now phasing me. The worst thing that you can do to a person, is end their life. And once they're no longer afraid of that, then there is nothing in their way. That period in my life is what shaped me into the no fear person that I am today. And had I known that I would live my life disease-free from birth, I don't think I could have experienced and overcome that level of adversity. And I think I'd be a different person for it.

Yet these medical researchers want to take this developmental experience, this emotion, away from every innocent baby. And I just think that's plain wrong. You don't have a right to remove emotion from people. To play God. This is why I hate medical researchers. They only look at one thing. They never have the forethought for the consequences of their actions. If they're healing people, then they don't care. But that isn't always the best thing to do.

Applying the micro/macro theory here, medical researchers are the ultimate micro thinkers. They might be accomplished in their fields. But their long-term purpose is very, very limited.

I just mentioned my going to Vancouver there. Or post-Pano or something. Well how does that relate?

I have an appartment in Invermere. I could have had a guaranteed job through the Summer had I sought it. And we're in the worst economic crisis for 70 or 80 years. Seems a bit of a no-brainer to take that doesn't it? Well that's what we're going to find out.

I'm travelling because the prospect of career bores me. It almost scares me. The day that my life is spent doing the same thing, in the same place, everyday, looking forward to retirement. Is the day that my life is over. Once I have given up on adventure and living, that is the day that my life is over.

And the current economic climate suggests that if I can have a guaranteed job, then I should take it. So why didn't I?

I have no real interest in Summer mountain sports. So why would I want to hang around a mountain all Summer? There isn't much justification. Apart from the lack of drive to relocate somewhere else, there is not justification for me to stay here. So I'm uping and leaving. No job. No place to live. I'm just arriving in Vancouver in less than a week. And I don't even know if I'm going to stay there or not. Why is this a good idea?

It's the not knowing. It's the excitement of not knowing what's around the corner that makes this worthwile. The risk that I can't get a job. Everything going pear-shaped. 2 years ago I would have called this moving to Vancouver. In this economic climate though, it's extreme moving to Vancouver. Staying in Pano would have been for no reason other than a fear of failure elsewhere. And there is that risk. There is that fear. But where there is a risk of failure, there is a chance for success. And that makes things exciting. If I stayed at Pano, there would be the chance of... nothing. Status-quo. If I didn't leave it would have been for the laziness that I couldn't be bothered to work for this success. My motivation would have become that mundane. So I'm almost leaving, for the unknown. I have no interest in Summer mountain sports. So although I could exist satisfactorily here. That would be all it is. Existing. I need that adventure. I need that unknown.

But then in saying that, I hope I don't fail. If in 6 weeks, I'm still unemployed living out of a hostel, I'm going to feel like a right dick. I could be here, earning. And instead I'll be eating into my travel budget, sharing a dorm room with about 10 other people. That's the fun of the game though I guess.

Speaking of which, I've been looking on the American Backpackers hostel website. And if you were reading the early Canada blogs, you'll know that my first experience dealing with American Backpackers, or not as was the case, didn't go so well. So why am I giving them another chance? Because you can stay there for $60 per week. That's why. That's $240 per month. Almost half of the $475 I pay for my place in Pano. So if this risk to leave Pano does turn to shit and I don't get a job, I want to be spending as little money as possible. And paying that amount... I could last for a little while. So to move into there in the short-term is my plan as it stands. Though after last time, I'm not taking anything for granted.

And speaking of my travel budget, that could all of a sudden start looking rather healthy again. This knee injury has pissed me off. And I'm sure I've mentioned it pissing me off so much that it's starting to piss you off as well. But after the experience of having my knee collapse on me trying to climb through the window after drinking some in the pub. Nothing excessive, but I probably wasn't legal to drive. After that though, the fear of doing something similar has meant I've laid off heavy drinking since this injury. Because no night out, however good, was worth either the risk of going through that pain again, or the additional healing time I would need. And as a result, I've been saving about $200 on each paycheck (per fortnight), on not going out. So my Canadian bank balance sits somewhere around $600 right now. That had been hovering around the $0 previously. Then next Wednesday, I should be receiving my $237.50 damage deposit back on this appartment. Nothing has been damaged afterall. And I'm due, $400 perhaps from my insurance company for my knee injury, before long. When they eventually get around to paying me. Add to that, my final paycheck, which includes apparently double-time and a half for working good Friday tomorrow. That'll be around 8 hours at $22. Plus on the final day of the season, I've been landed with the only 10-hour shift of the season. The Gondola is closing early, so rather than having an am and a pm shift, there is just one long shift. A bit of a cunt, but it will get me into overtime pay. And then also in my final paycheck, I'll be receiving my vacation pay. Something that sits at about $200 right now. This could be maybe a $900 final pay check therefore.

Add that all up and what have you got? Over $2,000, that's what. So all the scrimping and saving for the season could look like finally paying off. And with rent hopefully of $60 per week, using it wisely, I have a fairly sizeable warchest to see me through any time of unemployment. That still doesn't mean it's not a bad decision though.

Although being responsible, I need to donate a lot of that back to my travel budget. My flights over here, some of my medical costs, some of my bus fares, and a couple of other things, were all paid for using my travel budget. So I probably really need to donate $1,000 - $1,500 back to my travel fund to not be down on what I started off with. But I'm thankful I'm in a position to do that. If I'm leaving every place I go with the same amount of money that I start with, then I'll be travelling for many years yet.

Playing extreme moving to Vancouver could yet cost me though should I not get a job. And that elusive job is the single piece of the jigsaw that I need to start building.

The way I'm looking at things, is until I get a job, I cannot commit to any geographical location. Because I'm applying for jobs out of Vancouver as well, to commit myself to there, could be very costly. Once I get that elusive job though, I have a guaranteed mid-term geographical location. Once I have that, I can get an appartment, and I can sign up for a gym. Once I have an appartment I will be able to start eating properly. That compared to living on the food you'll eat living in a hostel. And having the gym I can start getting back into shape, and more importantly, rehabing my knee. Using low-impact cardio machines, and still not having the strength in the joint to do lower-body free-weights, using the weights machines. Because without a gym, my exercise is effectively limited to walking. I don't have the strength or flexibility in the joint to go out running yet.

So getting this job, isn't only key financially. My diet and my health depend on it. As a result my physique depends on it. The recovery of my knee depends on it. It is the one issue I need to have resolved quickly. Once I have a job, everything else will fall into place around it. But that is what I need. That is the single most important issue once I leave Pano. I need that job to start building.

Now as you may have guessed by the direction this blog has taken, Rockstar energy drinks are on special offer in Sobey's again. So I have been fucking buzzing since I started writing, which may explain some of the stuff I've written. I'll find that out when I go back over it.

I have a load more to say. Too much to do tonight, so I'll maybe finish off tomorrow.

I've just read through it. If you understand what I'm talking about, can you please message me and let me know!

I haven't got a title yet either. I was thinking about "The dangers of Rockstar energy." Or perhaps "An example of the dangers of smoking too much weed growing up." Or even "Sobey's special offers are melting my brain." But I think I've settled on "Jro and the theory of everything." It has a nice ring to it.

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